Saturday, 6 September 2014

It's tough

It's tough. 

Early this year, my previous landlord decided to sell the house that I rented without giving any prior notice. It was in the middle of the year when other students had already settled into their own places. It was nearly impossible to find a vacant room for me to rent on that time and eventually I ended up in this student lodge which drains my allowance every month. I receive 980$ per month and the rent is 760$ (inclusive of electricity, gas and water) which means I'm only left with 220$ for spending. Bus ticket fare is about 40$-ish and my phone bill is 34$ per month. I literally left with nothing for me to spend on food particularly. I don't have time to prepare my meal for most of the time and the only option to dine out is not really helpful either. 

It's tough.

Having my own privacy in this small unit in this lodge is quite liberating. You have your own space to sleep and to have fun, without having to mind other people's business. But eventually you need someone to talk to everyday. Someone to listen and someone to ask for opinions. I can't live by myself. I do have friends in this building but of course they all have their own matters to handle and I can't just knock their doors, "Hey, what's up? Can we talk?" in the middle of the night. When I was at my previous rented house, I talked with my housemates for ages until 2AM while having snacks to binge on. It was fun and I miss that.

It's tough.

I miss all my old friends. They have finished their studies and went back to Malaysia to work. I've been struggling to find new friends and it's impossible to find people that can replace that kind of friendship that was built over solid 4 years. I do find couple of people who have the similar perspective of mine; those who are outgoing and crazy. But they are finishing their studies soon and the cycle will repeat itself again.

It's tough.

I'm emotionally and spiritually fragile. A little tick can break me, emotionally. I'm a big cryer because I'm confident with my emotions. I don't have to pretend or fake my feeling and I'm happy to express it out. Recently, like other normal kids I'd been into few arguments which didn't end quite well. Considering I'm doing my placement in the same hospital with them doesn't make the avoidance any easier. 

It's tough.

When people can't understand your needs. I'm that kind of clingy person, who likes knowing someone cares. Who likes knowing they trying. Maybe I chose the wrong person. So I ended up feeling disappointed. This feeling sucks. 

It's tough.

I should have lowered my expectations, from anyone and anything. Live my life without any goals and let the time takes charge.