Sunday, 25 January 2015

My man

I love my father. 

When I came home to Malaysia last year, I just realised my dad is getting older. Weak joints, grey hair, frail body. I have forgotten how time flies so fast while I'm overseas. I forget how his grey hair is getting fuller day by day. I forget how his weak joints have stopped him from playing badminton and now he's been lounging at home with his Samsung Galaxy Tab. I forget how his Diabetes has taken its toll on his body. 

He is getting older day by day.

I miss him.

We never have the typical father-son bonding. I was never his favourite son. Really.
While I was trying so hard to ace my exams and struggling for uncountable As, it seems all my effort was invisible to him. He never showered me with gifts unless I ask him for one. I pleaded so hard in front of him to buy me the Sony Playstation One 13 years ago and he thought I was wasting his money. My other brothers who always screw their school works yet they still receive gifts from him without being asked for. When I got straight As for my high school exam, his friends made fun of me. Not for my excellence, but for my whole being and how I carry myself in the society. 
That day, my self-esteem was crushed, belittled and my anger towards him was enraging.

We fought a lot since then. Once I didn't talk to him for 2 years. He refused to buy me a camera and I threw a ridiculous tantrum, screamed out my lung and said inappropriate words to him. Then, I left my hometown to pursue A level. At that time, I felt liberated, freed from my dad's emotionless shadow.

 Sometimes I wish he was vanished. 

What a cruel son.

But now, I wish I hadn't had that kind of thoughts in the past and every single of day of my life since then I still resent my heartless behaviours.

He's the man that I shares my blood type with. He's the man who dragged me to clinic when I had gastro in the middle of night. He's the man who hold the pieces together for me when I was once shattered.

I can never find a man like him.

I love my dad.